There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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