my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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