he looks like a really good dad on facebook
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize
