You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize