She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It was confusing and full of hummus
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
