Having a random hookup so left but love u
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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