you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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