A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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