Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
