Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
