I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
