Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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