I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
