i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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