im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
