my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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