i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
