Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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