her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
