My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
