She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
