Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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