When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my being single is dangerous.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
