I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
