As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
