I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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