Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
