where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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