ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
