I've blown a few things in my day
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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