god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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