i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
