True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
