Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
