Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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