I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
