So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Tornado booty call.. dedication
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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