look no pants
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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