I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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