My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize