Yo dont text me then not text me
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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