***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Operation Purity has been aborted
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
