I can text with my tongue
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
