it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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