I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
