either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
