Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
