we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
