i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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