i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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