she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize