Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
