Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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