Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
