So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
