tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
