The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
