Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
